


Figure skating randomness - EhilàaaAAAaa

by LALIGIAV



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Multi, Random - Freeform, Written Like a Play, don't even know if that's allowed, don't take this seriously, probably some bad English, written for pure fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-09-30 14:37:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17225888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LALIGIAV/pseuds/LALIGIAV
Summary: Some well known figure skaters are invited by Evgeni Plushenko to attend a camp in the middle of the freezing Russian tundra to set up the most memorable show in the history of figure skating. The camp is full of dangers: to begin with, the Hotel seems to have a personality and likes to swallow people alive; journalists are always hiding behind every corner trying to make everything more diffucult than it already is; to make matters worse, Eteri Tutberidze won't leave poor Alina and Zhenya alone. In all this mess, will some of the tension between certain people be resolved? And will some other people succeed in keeping their relationship secret? Can other people find love? And, most important question of all, can they organize the show or will they destroy everything?





	1. Scene 1, 2, 3 and 4

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, people, hold your horses and read this, this deserves an explanation. First of all, only one person writing here. Anyway, I wrote this with my best friends in Italian and I had to translate (btw, I'm not really sure I can write in a decent English, I'm sorry for any mistake, feel free to correct me). You'll find some jokes that don't make sense in English, but I tried to explain them. If you've decided this story was worth a shot, congratulations! You've just entered a world of randomness and craziness. This story is supposed to be funny, so it lacks of sense sometimes, don't think too much about it. Still, the couples we put into the story are pretty much ours (apart from the one with Lambiel, Johnny, Caro and Deniss; it's a bit random), I mean, what we believe in. The titles of the scenes come from the scene itself, and, even if I doubt it can summarise it, they're pretty fun.  
> Well, having said that, enjoy! ;)

**I ACT**  
_SCENE 1, or: “I have to pee”_  
**Lambiel e Johnny are doing their make up in Plushenko’s bathroom.**  
Alexander: I have to pee.  
Lambiel (shoving the mascara into his eye by mistake): Ouch! Does that mean we have to go away?  
Johnny: I’d say so, darling  
Alexander: Who are you? Mom’s friends?  
Johnny: Dad’s, to be honest.  
Alexander: Those who arrived without being invited?  
Lambiel (wrapping a bandage around his eye): What?  
Johnny: I’m sure your dad wanted us here. He invited us. More or less.  
Lambiel: To be honest he just said he wanted to organize a summer camp for the best figure skaters in the world. And we came.  
Alexander: The best skater of the world is my dad.  
Razzi’s ghost: _Questo io non crete._ **(A/N: Razzi was an Italian politician and there’s a comedian that imitates him and so often says this phrase; I understand it’s probably not that funny for you)**  
Lambiel (shoving the bandage into his eye by mistake): Ouch! And who was that?  
Johnny: Don’t ask me, darling.  
Lambiel: Help me with this bandage, Johnny, kindly.  
Alexander: I have to pee.  
Lambiel: Easy, first explain what your dad said. It would be an unpleasant mistake if we were here without his consent.  
Alexander: When I’m older I’m going to be like Yuzuru Hanyu. To have a lot of Poohs.  
Johnny: Interesting, but that’s not what we wanted to know. Ah, I can’t stand children.  
Alexander: But what do you have on exactly? It looks like goatskin.  
Johnny: It’s _ermine_.  
Lambiel: Do you think I’ll remain blind for my whole life?  
Johnny: I don’t know, dear. It’s a pity, you had such beautiful eyes.  
Lambiel: If I remain blind, you’ll accompany me, won’t you?  
Johnny: I’m not sure, you know, I have a life on my own, darling.  
Lambiel: WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO SKATE AGAIN?!?  
Alexander: I have to pee.  
   
_SCENE 2, or: Mama Brian_  
Brian: Are you hungry? Did you have breakfast? Do you want croissants? Chips? Did you go to the toilet, maybe you won’t have time to go afterward? Do you have your jackets? Do you have a sweater, to be safe? Try not to get cold, there's nothing worse than a cold. Are you sure you have everything you need? Let me see where your skates are. You know that Samohin lost them on the plane, don’t you? Be careful, I don’t want it to happen to you, too. Do you have something to drink? We can still stop to buy something. Liza, aren’t you cold with only that thin jacket on? Look, as soon as you arrive in Moscow, the cold will freeze your bones. Yuzu, take off those earphones for a moment and listen to me, please. You have to be very careful with that ankle. The steps to get on the airplane are steep. And don’t do any craziness. No quintuple nor quadruple Axels, please. And, please, tell to the men of your escort to stop looking at me like that. They put me in awe. Yes, Javi, you're right, maybe it's just the black glasses that give this impression.  
**Yuzu puts his earphones back on and moves his head in time with the music. Javi’s drinking a coffee. Lizabet’s biting her nails. Nobody has listened to anything.**  
Brian: Yuzu? Are you sure you brought everything? It’s the first time you pack without your mother.  
Guard 1: Please don’t bother the athlete.  
Brian: I’m sorry, but I’m his coach.  
Guard 2 (approaching him menacingly): Hanyu-senshu can be approached only by his mother, according to the instructions received.  
Brian: BUT I BASICALLY _AM_ HIS MOTHER! YUZU, SAY SOMETHING.  
**Yuzu doesn’t hear him.**    
Javi: Brian? I think our plane is about to leave.  
Brian: I don’t think you’re ready to leave alone.  
Javi: Brian. I’m twenty-seven. And I’ve been living in Canada alone for almost eight years.  
Brian: BUT YUZU ISN’T USED TO BEING ALONE.  
Javi: Yuzu’s always alone. We’ll be fine.  
**They say their goodbyes. One of the guards drags away a crying Brian. Yuzu says goodbye politely without taking off the earphones.**    
Javi (placing a hand on Yuzu’s back): We have to go.  
Guard 1: Please don’t bother the athlete.  
Javi (to Lizabet, whispering): Do we have to take these guards along for the whole trip?  
Lizabet: I’m afraid so. Yuzu has to sit near them on the plane. You never know.  
Javi: _Mierda._  
   
_SCENE 3, or: EhilàAAaa_  
Hostess: EhilàAAaa. Have you ordered a meal for two?  
**Embarrassed silence.**  
Shoma: I don’t know. It might be. But, I mean, not a meal for two. I think, a meal for her and one for me. I mean, not one for two. I mean…  
Satoko: A dish for him and one for me.  
Hostess: EeEEh. Sure. Alright.  
**The hostess stalks away and comes back with a cart. She sets a plate of eggs and broccolis and goes away.**  
Shoma: Uh.  
Satoko: Just one dish.  
Shoma: Maybe we should call the hostess once again. Make her come here. I mean, ask for another dish. I don’t think she understood well. I mean, she gave us only one dish. We had asked for two. Right?  
Satoko: Yes.  
Shoma: Uh. You ask?  
Satoko: E-excuse me.  
Hostess: EhilàAAaa.  
Satoko: We’d like another dish.  
Shoma: To be honest no.  
Satoko: What?  
Shoma: I mean, not a dish of this stuff. Broccolis are disgusting.  
Hostess: Guys, can I see your badges?  
Shoma: Ba-badges?  
Hostess: For unaccompanied minors.  
Shoma: I-I’m twenty.  
Satoko: And I’m nineteen.  
Hostess: I have to ask you to come with me, please. I can’t let you go out of the airport if your parents don’t come to pick you up.  
   
_SCENE 4, or: A happy little family_  
Hostess (very diffidently): So, you’d be the father of these two children?  
Plush: Of course. Can’t you see? People always tell me that we have the same nose.  
Hostess (still sceptical): Is the mother Japanese?  
Johnny: I am the mother.  
Lambiel (hitting him with his elbow): Shut up.  
Plush: Hem. Yes, of course. Japanese. Her name is, uh-  
Javi: Miki Ando.  
Yuzu (taking off one of his earphones): How is it that you still remember her?  
Hostess: Miki Ando? Then why are the children names Shoma Uno and Satoko Miyahara?  
Johnny: We adopted them.  
Lambiel: Johnny, stop it.  
Hostess (to Shoma and Satoko): Are these your parents?  
Shoma: I-I, I mean…  
Satoko: More or less…  
Hostess: Next time don’t lose your badges.  
Shoma: But I’m twenty.  
Hostess: Sure, and I’m a ventilator. I’m still not very convinced that I can let you go. Are you sure these are your parents? Is that pirate your brother?  
Johnny: He lost an eye when he was a kid while we were playing cards and he never found it again.  
Lambiel: That’s a lie. I lost it in war. I’m a soldier.  
Johnny: Don’t flirt with the hostess. You can see that she’s dumb.  
Hostess: What?  
Plush: We really have to go, now. We still have to, hem, pick up other children.  
Hostess: How many do you have?  
Plush: Today we still have to pick up three.  
Javi (pointing with his hand): Two of them are those two who are kissing, you see.  
Hostess: I want to come with you.  
Plush: What?  
Lambiel (to Johnny): You see that my pirate charm has struck again?  
Johnny (to Lambiel): Keep believing it, if you like.  
Javi: Excuse me, but now we’ll go. You’ve been very kind but… it’s not necessary.  
Hostess: But it’s my duty to check on your other… children.  
Plush: But they are adults.  
Shoma: I’m an adult too!  
**The hostess shots Shoma an irritated look.**  
Johnny: Eh, you know how it’s like. The youth of today. They want to grow up too soon.  
Lambiel: Yeah, when you were ten, you already used make up.  
Plush (to the hostess): Look, it’s been a year since we last saw our children. We’d like to have a bit of privacy.  
Hostess: But… is it normal for your children to be kissing?  
Plush: Uh, no.  
Yuzu: _Who_ ’s kissing? Are you trying to tell me that Shoma has finally found the courage to kiss Satoko?  
**Shoma shots Yuzu an irritated look.**  
Javi: I think she was talking about the two Canadians.  
Plush: Oooooooh, theeeeeeem, but they aren’t our children, I mean, yes, but only her, I mean, him, at least, I think.  
Johnny (to the hostess): You know, it’s the first time we see our son’s girlfriend, I mean, our daughter’s boyfriend.  
Lambiel: In conclusion, that stuff there.  
Hostess: Okay. But first I want you to present yourself in my office.  
Lambiel: Don’t you want me to come alone, dear?  
Johnny (hitting him with his elbow): Don’t you even think about it, darling.  
Plush: What if we refused to do it?   
Hostess (with a pissed off Galadriel’s voice): THEN I’LL BE FORCED TO CALL SECURITY.  
**Everyone looks at her with round, angry eyes, except Lambiel who can’t, so he tries to raise one eyebrow, but it gets stuck on the bandage and it blocks like that.**  
Javi (hitting Yuzu with his elbow): Here someone know something of bodyguards.  
Yuzu: We could engage a fight. I’m pretty sure that, unlike mine, they haven’t done kung-fu.  
Javi: One of them has done yoga.  
Yuzu: What do you know?  
Javi: That’s the one I corrupted the other day to let me come to you.  
Plush: Then we’ll arrive in ten minutes.  
Hostess: Be on time. OR MY RAGE WILL DESCEND ON YOU.  
**Shoma hides behind Yuzu.**  
Yuzu: Maybe you should show yourself brave for your lady.  
Shoma: Even if she were my lady, she’s already noticed that I can’t even stutter my own name.  
Yuzu: She can’t either, if that’s the problem. 


	2. Scene 5, 6 and 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In these three scenes, which are called with weird names like "The uitcases" or "You know, my boyfriend's the king of figure skating" and "There's a man in suitcase!" (which, I admit, doesn't really make sense, even in a grammatical sense, but that's exactly what's supposed to be funny), the team is forced to adventure in the hostess' office and pretend to be a family. But, will they fool her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all, a big thank you to who put kudos on this story, we're always glad to see someone has the same sense of humor that we have. Well, I don't know if you want to keep going and read more for real, but well, it's going to get weirder and weirder as we go, so prepare yourself. Anyway, I'll try to publish at least once a week.

_SCENE 5, or: The uitcases_ **(A/N: This will make sense in a bit)**  
Plush (running over to Tessa and Scott waving his arms frenetically): TENLIS PU EVERYBODY, EW EAR IN A EDNGAROUS ISITUATION!!!! **(A/N: I hope that what Plush’s saying is actually somehow understandable; poor man, he’s panicking)**  
Tessa: Is this supposed to be the legendary king of figure skating?  
Yuzu: Did somebody call?  
Javi: I though Patrick would be here, too.  
Scott: He’s in the suitcase.  
Plush: IN THE UITCASES, IF THE STOESSH NDIFS US WITH A TRIPACK IN THE UITCASES SHE WILL ARREST SU FROEVER!  
Tessa: Johnny, please, since you understand Russian, can you translate?  
Johnny: He isn’t saying anything that makes sense. I think he’s in shock. It’s a pleasure to have you here.  
**Tessa looks around, she notices Plush’s red and shocked face, Lambiel with the raised eyebrow blocked inside the bandage, the three guards of Yuzu’s escort that, with grim faces, are holding, respectively, Shoma, Satoko and Lizabet’s hands.**  
Lambiel: We don’t have much time. I’ll summarize quickly. The hostess thinks that we are something like children’s smugglers, and it would be better if we presented ourselves in her office in ten minutes pretending to be a family. Plush’s the father.  
Johnny (raising his hand): I’m the mother.  
Lambiel: No, Johnny. We told her that the mother is Japanese.  
Johnny: Only Shoma and Satoko’s mother.  
Lambiel: Maybe Tessa should be the mother.  
Scott: Not a chance.  
Suitcase: Scott, _please_.  
**A passer-by walks away from the area where the skaters are, looking at the suitcase with a frightened expression.**  
Scott: Okay, fine.  
Lambiel: And I’m the uncle.  
Johnny (angered): I don’t see why she would make a better mother than me.  
Lambiel: Maybe because you’re a man.  
Johnny: I didn’t expect a low blow like that from you.  
Lambeil: I’m sorry, if you want you can be the aunt.  
Javi: And who should Yuzu and me be? Other uncles?  
Yuzu: I want to be Shoma’s brother.  
Javi: And who am I?  
Yuzu: You can be my boyfriend if you want.  
Shoma: What did you just say?  
Yuzu: For pretend, of course.  
**Javi wipes away a tear in the corner of his eye.**  
Lizabet: Can we go away from here now?  
Plush: YES AND SA LYQUICK AS POSSIBLE.  
   
_SCENE 6, or: “You know, my boyfriend’s the king of figure skating.”_  
**Plush has regained his king of figure skating’s self-control and marches triumphantly through the corridor –it’s empty. He knocks a regal Toc Toc on the hostess’s door. Meanwhile, Lambiel is talking on the phone with Deniss.**  
Lambiel: Are you on the van?  
Deniss: Yeah.  
Lambiel: Be ready to leave at any time.  
Deniss: You’re kidding me.  
Lambiel: Unfortunately, no. Over and out, little lion.  
Deniss: Copy that, zebra.  
**Lambiel hangs up.**  
Johnny: _Little lion?_ Seriously?  
Lambiel: It’s a code name.  
Johnny: And maybe he even calls you zebra.  
Lambiel: What? No! Why would he? How stupid.  
Johnny: Gotcha.  
Hostess: You can comeEeEEEee in.  
**Everyone squishes inside the hostess’s office that is two meters per two wide. Plush carries Shoma on his shoulders to show his affection towards him. The guards wait outside.**  
Javi: Oh, finally we got rid of these nuisances.  
Yuzu: I thought they were your friends. That they did yoga with you.  
Javi: Only when needed.  
Shoma (from above): Oh, yeah? And _when_ is it needed, exactly?  
Yuzu: Javi’s old. He needs to stretch his muscles, sometimes. How do you feel, up there? Do you know you’re one the king of figure skating’s shoulders?  
Javi: And that you’re going to break his back, probably.  
Plush: For the second time.  
Hostess: So. You’d be a family.  
Tessa (taking Plush arm in arm): Yes. I’m the mother.  
**Scott can’t control himself and wants to go forward and take Tessa’s hand, but the suitcase blocks him placing itself between his legs.**  
Johnny: _I_ am the mother. Dirty impostor.  
Lambiel: No, you’re the aunt. (then, to the hostess) You have to excuse us. You know, we are a very close family. It’s like they were his children.  
Hostess: Veeery close. I’ve seen the son kiss the mother on the lips.  
Scott (he comes forward, tactically overtaking the suitcase and crushing Lizabet in a corner): I’m very attached to my mother. (he takes Tessa’s hand)  
Hostess: But have you seen how you just treated that little girl! And you let things like that happen! You mistreat children!  
Yuzu: Maybe that’s because this office is as big as my bathroom.  
Javi: I think your bathroom is bigger than this.   
Shoma: Yeah?  
Hostess (to Lizabet): Come closer, child. Tell me, are you happy in this family?  
Lizabet: Of course. I love uncle Yuzu and uncle Javi very much.  
Hostess: Who?  
Johnny: That’s me and this man. (he points out Lambiel.) Javi is a typical pirate name.  
Hostess. And the other children? Have they been adopted from Japan?  
Tessa: Yes, I always wanted Japanese children.  
Hostess: But before you told me that the mother was Japanese.  
Tessa: I’ve always known I would have married a man divorced from a Japanese with three children.  
Hostess: And why one of them has arrived separately? And who’s that?  
Javi (putting an arm around Yuzu's shoulders with pride): He’s my boyfriend.  
Hostess: But, if you don’t smuggle children, why do you go around with these guards?  
Yuzu: They’re mine.  
Javi: You know, my boyfriend is the king of figure skating.  
Plush: Prince, if you may.  
Suitcase: WHAT ABOUT ME?  
Hostess: Did the suitcase speak?  
Tessa (taking Scott’s hand): No, it was him. He’s a ventriloquist. He likes to make furniture talk.  
Hostess: Ah-ah. COOL. Could he make my desk talk? I’ve always wanted to chat with it.  
Scott: I’m sorry, I’m specialized in suitcases.  
Hostess: Pity. Just one more thing. Can I see your identity cards?  
   
_SCENE 7, or: “There’s a man in suitcase!”_  
**All of them extend their identity card. From the suitcase, a hand extends an extra card.**  
Hostess (examining the identity cards): But here it’s written that all the children are adults. Perhaps you should point out the error to the authorities of your country.  
Shoma: BUT I’M T-W-E-N-T-Y  
Yuzu: Ssh, little one, keep calm. Do you want your pacifier?  
Javi: Unfortunately, we left it at home with Satoko’s feeding bottle.  
Hostess: Wait a second, there’s an extra passport. Who’s Patrick Chan?  
Uitcases: That’s me!  
**Scott kicks the suitcase.**  
Hostess: THERE’S A MAN IN SUITCASE!  
**Moment of panic. Plush starts to stutter nonsense and to have strange spasms. Lambiel and Johnny drag him towards the door. Javi and Yuzu take Shoma and Satoko by the hand. Scott grabs his suitcase and Tessa picks up Lizabet. Yuzu's guards burst into the room and slap the hostess against the desk, which screams in horror** (A/N: Yeah, the desk is screaming, idk). **The team rushes out of the airport and jumps aboard Deniss and Alexander's van.**  
Alexander: Why does dad have that face? I’m scared.  
Yuzu: So, what do we do now?  
Plush: Ve wahe to og t-o-o-o kicp up hte o-o-others a-a-t the de-de-de-dovododovododovodov irport.  
Scott: I can’t open the _uitcases._  
Tripack: WHAT???  
**Violent blows come from the suitcase, followed by imprecations in French, Chinese and Canadian.**  
Scott: Don’t swear in front of the children.  
Shoma: The _chid,_ please. The next one who gives me twelve years is going to get thrown out of the van and sent to marry the hostess. Without divorce.  
Deniss: It’s a pleasure to see you after all this time, for me, too  
Lambiel: Sorry, little lion, but it’s not the appropriate moment to appreciate how cute you are.  
Johnny: It’s always the right moment to appreciate how cute the _little lion_ is.  
Javi: Maybe we should try to lock pick the suitcase.  
Yuzu: I’ve always known that Spaniards are all thieves.  
Javi: Because I stole your heart?  
Shoma: Oh, yeah? Is that why Yuzu’s heartless?  
Tripack: _You_ are heartless! LET ME OUT OF HERE, FUCKING WAPITI!  
Alexander: What’s a wapiti?  
Satoko: A cute little animal.  
Deniss: So, I have to go to Dedededovododovododovodov? Because the navigator doesn’t find it.  
Yuzu’s phone: Hola evribadi, mi nombre is Javier, but you can call me Javi. And you can call me later…  
**Yuzu answers the phone.**  
Shoma: Why is the ringtone on his phone your voice?  
Javi: Who? Me? Which voice? I don’t have a voice.  
Yuzu: Hello? Oh, it’s you! How’s your ankle? Yes, mine says it’s feeling better, too. Where are you? Do we need to come to pick you up? Ah, okay. That’s perfect. See you later!  
Tripack: I hope you were talking to a lock picker.  
Shoma: No, he already has a personal one.  
Tripack: Well, now it’s the right moment to use him.  
Javi: As soon as we stop I’ll try to open you up.  
Lizabet: Who was it on the phone?  
Javi: Yes, I want to know that, too.  
Yuzu: Zhenya.  
Javi: Oh, yeah? And why does she have your number? Why does she call _you_? And since when are we already using nicknames?  
Yuzu: And who do you want to open, excuse me?  
Deniss: Sorry to bother you, but… Where do I have to go?  
Yuzu: To the railway station of Com… Something like “commando”.  
Plush: K-K-K-Komsomolskaya.  
Yuzu: Oh, yeah, that. It’s rhymes with Lipnitskaya.  
Javi: Oh, and how is it that you remember her? Does she have your number, too?  
Johnny: You look more married than Tessa and Scott right now.  
Tessa: I want to specify that we are only _business partners_.  
Tripack: I want to specify that I’m still in a suitcase. Get me out, burglar.  
Javi: Chill out, _hombre._


	3. Scene 8, 9 and 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In these three scenes, which are called with weird names like "Commandov" or "The Spanisch" and "Cur latrocinium puerorum?" (okay, these are the weirdest for now, but expect worse), the team tries to find the rest of the skaters, but will they get to them safely?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, these will get weirder and weirder as we go, you've been warned. Oh, god, sorry, but if you want to know it, even if I doubt you do, Friday me and my friends went to see "Music on Ice" (if you don't know what it is, it's a figure skating show they do every year in Bellinzona, Switzerland) and I saw for the first time in real life Lambiel, Deniss, Anna and Luca, Aljona and Bruno and I was so hyped. And you have no idea of what we witnessed, still, I'm not gonna tell you because I doubt you care. Sorry, I'm weird, bye; I hope these scenes will make you laugh.

_SCENE 8, or: Commandov_  
**Commandov railway station, also known as Komsomolskaya. Zhenya and Alina are in front of the entrance, surrounded by a mountain of suitcases. Deniss stops the van abruptly in front of them, knocking down a suitcase and missing Alina by two centimetres.**  
Johnny: Who gave you a driver’s license?  
Lambiel: He doesn’t have a license. He’s an autodidact.  
Johnny: Seriously? Congratulations.  
Deniss: Thank you.  
Plush: WHAT. I’LL DRIVE NOW.  
Johnny: You’re not in the right conditions, darling. I’ll drive. Do you want some music? Have you already listened to the song I wrote? It’s called _Dirty Love._  
Lambiel: Not now, Johnny, please.  
Javi (to Yuzu): How come you still haven’t got down to greet the love of your life?  
Yuzu (whispering): He’s already here.  
Javi: What?  
Yuzu: Nothing.  
**Plush gets down from the van to greet the two girls like a good Jedi Master.**  
Plush: Elvomec, it si a pleasur ot ave ou huic.  
Alina: I’m sorry but I don’t speak Latin.  
Zhenya: _Piacerem omne nostrum est._  
Javi (from behind the window): He’s not speaking Latin! He’s been talking like that all day!  
Lambiel: It’s a hostess’s fault.  
Johnny: Stop thinking about that hostess right now. You don’t even have good taste. And it's so vulgar for a man to show interest in a woman.  
Scott: Are you trying to tell me I’m a vulgar man?  
Tessa: Why? You like someone?  
Scott: I don’t know. What do you think?  
Tessa: I think you should help carry the suitcases. Those two brought their entire houses.  
Lambiel (to Alina from behind the window): Is it only you two?  
Alina: Yes, why?  
Lambiel: I don’t know, maybe because there are at least twenty suitcases?  
Tripack: PLEASE SCOTT DON’T LOSE SIGHT OF ME. DON’T LET ME DIE HERE.  
Scott: I’ll see what I can do.  
**Scott throws Tripack’s uitcases in the trunk with twenty other suitcases, eight backpacks, five bags, Masaru, a model of the Titanic, a hair straightener and five red plastic hats.**  
Johnny: Can I go?  
Plush: Let’s go to Do-do-do-do-do…  
Scott: We understood, thanks.  
   
_SCENE 9, or: The Spanisch_  
**Domodedovo airport.**  
Lambiel: How many children do we have to collect?  
Johnny: I remind you that you’re only the uncle.  
Tessa: The King of Skating wrote them on this list, seen his impossibility to speak in any language that isn’t _Latin._  
Alina (to Zhenya): How come you know Latin, by the way?  
Zhenya: Eh, you know, I’d like to make every language my mother tongue.  
Johnny: I like tongues too!  
Lambiel: Not like that, dear auntie.  
Tessa: Now, at Gate 1 we have the Italians and the Americans. At Gate 2 we have Misha and the Germans. At Gate 3 we have the Koreans and the French.  
Tripack: Koreans? There are Koreans? Who are they?  
Scott: No on…  
Tessa: Cha Jun-hwan and… Yuna Kim.  
Tripack: WHAT?! LET ME OUT OF HERE!  
Alexander: Who’s Yuna Kim?  
Tripack (the suitcase approaches Alexander hopping): Boy, you can’t not know Yuna Kim. She is the queen of skating. The best ever. And it's absolutely ridiculous to think that some people beat her scores.  
**The suitcase turn menacingly towards the two Russian girls.**  
Javi: I don’t know if I can free you in time. It’ll take me a while.  
Tripack: Then, you and Scott will take me to Gate 3. ARE WE AGREED?  
Scott: All right, all right. You don’t always have to threaten everyone.  
Zhenya: I’d like to go get Misha at Gate 2. Yuzu, you come with me?  
Javi: Don…  
Yuzu: Okay. Since we’re already there we can pick up Aljona and Bruno too.  
Tessa: Her husband is there too. The one that makes those magnificent drawings.  
Lambiel: Then me and Deniss are going to collect the Americans and the Italians.  
Johnny: I come with you. I won’t leave you alone with all those Italian girls. You others stay here. And listen to my song, I recommend! It has a deep meaning, if you listen carefully.  
Satoko: What does _let’s get dirty dirty_ mean?  
Shoma: _On the floor._ What does _on the floor_ mean?  
Lizabet: Something like “on the flower”, I think.  
Tessa: When Johnny comes back, I’m going to kill him.  
Satoko: Why should you do something like that?  
Shoma: I like this song. Maybe we could use it for a program.  
**Meanwhile, at Gate 3, Javi, Scott and Tripack are waiting for the flights arrival. Scott is cursing because he wants to be on the van with Tessa, Javi is cursing in Spanish because Yuzu got away without him and he can’t open the suitcase, Tripack is cursing in three languages praying that the suitcase will open before Yuna’s arrival. God’s offended.**  
Javi (to Scott): How come you don’t know the suitcase combination?  
Tripack: Because he’s a perfect idiot, if you still hadn’t noticed.  
Scott: That perfect idiot has been taking you around in a suitcase all day.  
Tripack: That’s exactly what I was talking about.  
Javi: Does anyone have a crowbar?  
Javi: Ah, look, here they come.  
Tripack: DON’T LOOK AT YUNA WITHOUT ME.  
Javi: If I close my eyes I can’t fix the suitcase.  
Tripack: As if you did something with them open.  
Yuna: Hello.  
Scott (with a sexy voice): How was the flight?  
Tripack (whispering): I hate you, Scott.  
Cha (to Javi): Why are you trying to open a suitcase with a wrench?  
Javi: It’s not a French, it’s a Spanish **(A/N: I’m sorry, it doesn’t even make sense, lol)**  
Wrench: Hola, Barcelona.  
Scott: Unfortunately, it knows many languages but it doesn’t do its job. The suitcase won’t open.  
Yuna: Whose is it? What’s inside?  
Scott: Uh, it’s a surprise.  
Yuna: Let me see. Ah, you need a combination.  
Javi: Unfortunately, we don’t know it, so I doubt it’ll be that simple.  
Uitcases: Clic.  
Yuna: I think I opened it.  
**Tripack jumps out of the suitcase like a spring.**  
Tripack: I’M FREE. SCOTT I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, JAVI LATER I’LL DEAL WITH YOU TOO, BUT, oh, my queen, it was an honour to be opened by you, princess of ices, divine skater… (he kisses her hand)  
Scott: That phrase sounded like it should mean something else.  
Tripack: I’m going to deal with you later.  
Javi: Here comes the French.  
Guillaime e Gabriella: _Bonjour._  
Cha: Scott, why are you rolling your eyes?  
Scott: I’m not rolling my eyes.  
Tripack: He’s appealing to God to save him from what I’ll do to him.  
Yuna: What?  
Tripack (giving her his arm and starting to leave): Nothing, nothing.  
Scott: Are you leaving here your suitcase?  
Tripack: Let’s leave it there, I don’t want to see it ever again.  
**The group reaches Gate 2, where Misha is forcing Zhenya, Yuzu, Liam, Aljona, Bruno, two kids, a dog, three hostesses, a pilot and a grandmother to take a selfie with him. Javi sneaks up and drags Yuzu away from Zhenya, the two kids, the grandma and from any other living being that isn’t him.**  
Javi: You know, I managed to open the suitcase.  
Tripack: It’s not true. HE’S A DIRTY LIAR.  
Misha: Patrick, Gabriella, Guillaime, Scott! Take a picture with me!  
**As soon as Misha finishes to take selfies with a school group, a red trolley, a souvenir shop and a plane, the group arrives at Gate 1. There, they are greeted by a rather singular scene. Adam is forcing Nathan to try clothes with him. Anna and Luca pretend not to know Valentina, who is in a pink box dressed as Barbie, and Ondrej, who’s driving a plastic motorcycle. Lambiel holds both Caro and Johnny’s hand, both of them unaware that he’s holding the other’s hand too. Deniss observes the behaviour of his mentor with wary expression while he eats an ice cream.**  
**The extended group heads towards the van, where they finally realize that there isn’t enough place for everyone. Some, among which Javi, Tripack, Nathan, Vale, Luca, Gabriella e Guillaime, squash in the trunk with the suitcases. Masaru tries to assault Guillaime, but Gabriella starts to stroke him and he starts purring. On the van, Scott takes Tessa in his arms, Liam takes Aljona in his arms and Yuzu takes Shoma. Misha, with great joy of Patrick, takes Yuna in his arms.**  
Plush: Tel’s go!  
Alina: I imagine that means “let’s go”?  
Zhenya: _Proficiscimur!_  
Johnny (starting the van): So, what do you think of my song?  
Shoma: It’s nice. Me and Satoko could use it for a program.  
Johnny: For you? I didn’t think it was your kind of thing.  
Satoko: I like flowers. Last year I skated on _Madame Butterfly_.  
Johnny: Flowers?  
Tessa: They’re joking, Johnny. No one will ever skate on that thing.  
Johnny: Well, I did!  
   
_SCENE 10, or: “Cur latrocinium puerorum?”_  
**After one hour on the road**  
Liam (looking out of the window): I can’t wait to draw this magnificent tundra landscape.  
Aljona: Yeah? Good idea.  
Liam: For example, the road behind us, which disappears swallowed by the afternoon... Wait, that motorbike is still behind us? It already was when we left the airport.  
Aljona: Oh, yeah? Maybe we should accost. It could be the police.  
Anna: Somebody said _polizia_?  
Aljona: Yes, I think we should stop. A motorbike is following us.  
Anna: Can you see who’s on board?  
Aljona: I don’t know. It’s looks like a squared shape.  
Liam: Hey! Stop the van!  
**Johnny swerves abruptly and brakes suddenly into a rest area. Everybody bounces forward and desperate screams and barks come from the trunk.**  
Guillaime: _Putain! Le chien m’a mordu!_  
Deniss: And then I was the one who couldn’t drive.  
Lambiel: Deniss, please, don’t behave like a spoiled teenager.  
Adam (leaning over): The motorbike stopped too.  
Aljona: I told you it was following us.  
Plush: THE STOSSEH MUST HAVE DENOUNCED SU ORF CHELDRIN THFET  
Zhenya: _Cur latrocinium puerorum?_  
Alina: Zhenya, stop it, please.  
Yuzu: I'm beginning to no longer be able to understand any of those who speak.  
Shoma: Look, it's not like your Spanish speaks so much better.  
Zhenya: Why, Yuzu, you know Spanish?  
Yuzu: Uh… A bit.  
Shoma: He does the Spanish. **(A/N. Bad jokes that don’t make sense)**  
Zhenya: I don’t understand.  
Javi (from the trunk): He’s lying! He doesn’t know a word of Spanish, if not “hola Barcelona” and “vamos”!  
Scott: Do you want me to go out to check what the agent wants?  
Anna: He looks a bit too square to be an _agente di polizia._  
Caro: Do you want one of us to go, since we’re are policemen?  
Scott: Easy, I’ve got this.  
Patrick (from the trunk): There’s little a man wouldn’t do to show himself to be brave in front of his lady.  
Adam: Nothing compared to what a man can do for another man.  
Johnny: Finally, someone who understands me.  
Tessa: However, I want to clarify that I’m not his lady  
Aljona (looking out of the window): I’m starting to think that isn’t an agent.  
Alexander: It looks a bit like a suitcase.  
Patrick: A SUITCASE?!?!?!?  
Tessa: Is it dangerous? Scott! Come back!  
Aljona: I believe it’s too late.  
Tessa: What happened?  
Alexander: It seems like the suitcase just ate that guy.  
Tessa: What? No!  
Johnny: All this is beginning to seem a little surreal to me. Are you trying to tell me that a suitcase chased us on a plastic motorbike to reach us and eat one of us?  
Ondrej: MY plastic motorbike.  
Tessa (rushing out of the van): But it’s HORRIBLE! We have to do SOMETHING! Scott, can you hear me?  
Patrick: For me you haven’t done so much scene.  
Lambiel: Whose’s that suitcase?  
Patrick: I was that suitcase. Scott deserves this completely.  
**From the suitcase come blows and swears in just one language.**  
Yuna: If you take the suitcase here, I know the combination.  
Patrick: Then tie it somewhere, please. I think nobody wants to see it again.  
  
 


End file.
